On Setting Boundaries
Finding the balance between being kind and being free
If you’ve ever wondered how I choose the books I read, this note should be quite telling. I recently read, not one, but two, books about boundaries in relationships. If there wasn’t something specific happening in my life, I don’t think I ever would have picked up either of these books. But as it stood, I was facing a specific challenge, and when that happens I often look to books to help me find a solution. And to some extent, it worked, so I wanted to share what I’ve learned about boundaries and their… uhh… limitations.
About the Books
The first book I read on this topic was Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of your Life by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. Normally, I probably would never have picked up this book, because it falls into a category that I wasn’t even really aware existed: Christian Self-Help (Do Christians need different help than the rest of the world? Isn’t Christian self-help just the Bible? Is there Muslim Self-Help? So many questions…).
So, why did I read it? Because it was lying around my house. Why was it lying around my house? I’m going to say it was a sign from God.
Regardless, I read the book, and while some of it resonated, I felt like I needed a more secular perspective, and so I looked up some Amazon reviews and picked up Set Boundaries Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Surprisingly, while the examples and the context were different, both books had a lot more in common than really long titles.
Take-aways
By far the single biggest take-away from both books that acted as a guiding principle for everything else in them is a simple truism: Everyone is responsible for their own emotions. This is not a new idea. It can be tied back to Stoicism, Buddhism, and probably most other life philosophies.
The way this applies to boundary setting is as follows. Often, when we have a conflict with another person, and we feel that boundaries are the issue, we have a tendency to blame the other person for their behaviour. If only they wouldn’t be so demanding, or selfish, or helpless, or negative, or whatever. The problem with this is two-fold. First, we can’t control how others act, and focusing on wishing they were different is a recipe for suffering. Second, the other person’s actions in and of themselves, can only hurt us so much. It’s our reactions to their actions that cause true suffering.
As Victor Frankl said (in a much more dire context): “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
As such, the primary course of action when you feel boundaries are being crossed is to respond, but not to react.
Concretely, this can mean a few things.
Express empathy, but do nothing: The simplest is expressing empathy for a person’s situation, without taking any kind of action, or providing any kind of advice. Sometimes, we interpret a person’s complaint as a request for us to help them, when in fact, all they want is a person to listen.
Set a boundary: Next, if the person is in fact asking too much, we can respond by setting a boundary. The way to successfully set a boundary is to use “I” statements. So, if your co-worker is taking advantage of your help to dump a lot of work on your plate. The correct response is not: “You’re taking advantage of me. I won’t do anymore of this work.” The correct response is: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that, because I already have enough on my plate.”
Don’t react to their reaction: The other person may respond to this just fine, or they may respond negatively, through anger, hurt or trying to make you feel guilty. Dealing with this response comes back to the original truism we discussed: Everyone is responsible for their own emotions. You can’t be responsible for someone else’s feelings of anger or hurt, especially if you haven’t done anything to actually harm them.
Pitfalls of Boundary Setting Advice
Just as both books have largely similar messages and advice, both books suffer from some of the same issues.
Everything is a boundary issue: “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail,” said Abraham Maslow. In the case of books about boundaries, every single inter-personal relationship issue seems to stem from boundary issues. Having trouble with a colleague at work? Boundary issue. Your kid is misbehaving? Boundary issue. Your family is getting on your neves? Boundary issue. Your friend is acting like an asshole? Boundary issue.
While it’s understandable that authors need to fill up a book with relevant examples, I think there are times when we need to recognize the limits of the tools we’re being given, and need to dig beneath the surface a little further to determine whether there might not be something else going on.
Overly simplistic: My other challenge with both of these books is the overly simplistic nature of some of the advice. Particularly in Cloud and Townsend, the opening chapter is a “day in the life” of a woman who has issues setting boundaries. The closing chapter is a day in the life of the same woman after she’s implemented boundaries. It would be difficult for me to exaggerate just how caricaturized these chapters are. In the first chapter, this woman’s marriage is a mess, her kids are tyrants, she’s burnt out at work, and she’s depressed. After implementing the advice in the book, her husband is a new man, her kids are angels, she got a promotion, and she’s going to bed early every night. Really?
I think this glosses over the fact that if you are serious about setting boundaries, you need to be prepared to accept the consequences. There IS a chance that you may just lose some of the people in your life, and there are going to be moments where you WILL feel like an asshole. Painting an idyllic picture of the perfect life is counter-productive.
Questionable advice: The other area I have some issues with relate specifically to advice given about boundaries with children and partners. I focus on those two areas, because that’s where I’ve done the most outside reading. For example, in terms of boundary setting with children, some of what Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend recommend seems to contradict the current prevailing wisdom in child psychology, such as how to apply consequences for children, using time-outs, and even spankings. Cloud and Townsend are both Clinical Psychologists so I’m not sure how they square these contradictions, but it was largely the reason that I opted to read a second book on this topic.
However, while Glover Tawwab’s book doesn’t mention spanking kids, there are areas that seem to contradict the work of Dr. John Gottman, who is probably the most well-known academic in the field of relationships.
Experts disagreeing is normal and healthy, and I take no issue with that on its face. However, when you have disagreements between someone like Gottman, whose work is based on peer-reviewed research, and Glover Tawwab, whose work is based on anecdotes, it makes it hard for me to give too much credence to the latter.
So, was it worth it?
Most of the advice you’ll find around boundaries is common sense. Does that mean that reading these books was a waste of time? No. The truth is that almost all advice falls into two categories: common sense and nonsense. Rare is the advice that will bring an absolutely new and novel perspective to the game.
So, what’s the value? The value is in the reminder, and in the confirmation. I’ve studied enough philosophy to know that everyone is responsible for their own emotions, but having it repeated to me in the right context was a reminder that I needed at that specific moment. In addition, having someone with some credentials tell you that what you’re doing is right helps to alleviate some of the self-doubt and helps you sleep better at night.
So, in short, while I wouldn’t recommend that you run out and read these books right now, if you ever do find yourself in a place where you think you might need a little reminder of how to deal with boundary issues, grabbing these quick reads can’t hurt.